I continue to research anxiety and stress as psychologically everyone will experience these states. I have found in my own experiences and education that these states are mostly due to what is out of our control. Anxiety is oft defined as negative emotions and thoughts about the past – should have done, should not have done, should have said, shouldn’t have said – and/or negative forecasting the future – this terrible thing will happen. Things we cannot control will be familiar life situations to you – others’ feelings, thoughts, actions and behaviour, mistakes; the weather; the pandemic; the economy.
We can reclaim control and practice self-compassion by focusing on baby steps actions within our control. For example, my boundaries. If someone is disrespectful, I can call them out on their behaviour and let them know what is acceptable and what is not. If they do not change, I can choose to walk away. I can decide my reactions and responses and ask for help. I can treat my body to rest and clean food and I can move it. I can control my thoughts. These are just words that make a story that I tell myself. I can draft that story in a new way if I so choose. I can filter internal emotions and choose how I express my feelings to increase the likelihood of getting what I need. I can choose my attitude and how I treat others.
When stressed the subconscious emotional mind has highjacked the thinking brain, the prefrontal cortex. It is a common state. Most people experience stress and even burnout – just look at the data. It is a natural neurological state that you can change.
You feel stuck or feel that you have few future options that make you feel happy. You are lonely or a stressed parent or caregiver. You have lost motivation to do the things that you previously enjoyed.
When you experience stress and anxiety it may be after a period of change, or an anticlimax so do not try to time it. Like getting sick when you finally slow down, the psychological dam often bursts after a traumatic event such as potentially chronic health problem diagnosis only to find out you are OK.
I ask you to start by telling yourself that these feelings and emotions and thoughts are normal, you are not alone and its not your fault. This is the way we function neurologically and physiologically.
Next, I would like you to be self-compassionate and kind to yourself the way you would be to someone that you care about. Actions of self-compassion and kindness turn down your emotional amygdala. Start small and simple, rather than say setting a six- or twelve-month goal or plan. Something small that you can do right now or at least today such as taking a walk around the garden or something else that calms you. Move on to looking forward to something small tomorrow such as your first coffee as you watch the sun rise. Immediate, free and things that you can do yourself are good here. The day after that walk around the park – this creates a sense of agency, the knowledge that you can act to make a difference in your life. Yes, the negative emotion makes you want to do nothing. However, movement will shift your state, energy in motion makes us feel better. I started doing this years ago and now it is a daily habit that I need for my sanity. If you can walk in nature that is particularly calming and positive. It helps put things in perspective and you can see the horizon.
Forget your crisis for today. You can come back to it another day. Do something calming and get your sleep. Tomorrow you will produce a plan when you are rested, and the thinking brain can problem solve and offer you solutions.
Leaning into casual conversations in your daily life with people that you come across in the shop or at the gym can be the start of feeling engaged in your community. This leads to a greater sense of happiness and wellbeing.
Self-care often goes out of the window for parents and caregivers experiencing stress. Take a step back and put your own oxygen mask on first. Get the rest and nutrition you need so that you have the resources to help your loved ones.